Navigating the "Wangry" Waters: A Fresh Take on Discontent at Work

Introducing "Wangry," my original term for a phenomenon as old as the corporate ladder itself: the high-achiever's career dissatisfaction. While the word might be new, the sentiment it describes is anything but. It's a unique blend of frustration, simmering resentment, and the distinct feeling that your career salad is missing some key ingredients—perhaps fulfillment or purpose-flavored croutons. This blog dives into the heart of "wangry," armed with scientific insights and a sprinkle of humor, to explore how even the most polished professionals can find themselves simmering in a pot of career discontent.

The Anatomy of "Wangry"

Imagine you're a senior leader or executive. Let's call him Alex. Alex has climbed the proverbial career mountain, collecting titles, accolades, and a LinkedIn profile to die for. Yet, despite the glossy exterior, Alex finds himself wrestling with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction. He's the poster child for "wangry": well-dressed, well-respected, and quietly stewing in his executive suite.

Alex's story isn't unique. It's a narrative shared by countless high-achievers who find themselves questioning the path they've so diligently trodden. They've reached the summit only to realize they might have climbed the wrong mountain.

“The flight is always better in first-class, until it isn’t.”

— Coach Dave

The Science Behind the Stew

• The Prevalence of Job Dissatisfaction: Over half of American workers feel disconnected from their jobs, according to The Conference Board. For high-achievers like Alex, this disconnection isn't just about the day-to-day grind but a deeper misalignment of values and career goals.

• The Productivity Pitfall: Warwick University's research shows that job dissatisfaction can lead to a 10% dip in productivity. It seems that being "wangry" doesn't just sour your mood; it can also sour your work output.

• The Mental Health Mire: A review in the Journal of Vocational Behavior draws a direct line between career dissatisfaction and mental health struggles, including stress and depression. It turns out, "wangry" isn't just bad for your career; it's bad for your health too.

Spotting the Signs of "Wangry"

How do you know if you're "wangry"? If you're reading this in your office, feeling a mix of amusement and recognition, you might already have your answer. But here are a few tell-tale signs:

• You're Irritable and Resentful: If you find yourself snapping at your assistant over minor typos or daydreaming about telling clients what you really think, "wangry" might be your diagnosis.

• Your Passion Has Left the Building: Remember when you were excited about challenges? If those days seem like a distant memory, and your work now feels as inspiring as a stale ham sandwich, welcome to "wangry" town.

• Exhaustion Is Your Constant Companion: If you're getting enough sleep but still feel drained by mid-morning, it's not just physical tiredness. Emotional exhaustion is a classic symptom of deep-seated career dissatisfaction.

But what about everyone else? 

Sample data set courtesy of CoEfficient.

Let’s reconnect with Alex for a moment, who is currently experiencing the wanger of one, meaning his own discontent. As a senior leader, Alex is also responsible for modeling behavior and reinforcing cultural norms in his organization that - theoretically - foster workplace satisfaction, empowerment and, ideally, mitigate wanger in the lives of junior staff. 

Yet, the data points to a decrease in workplace satisfaction as one moves down the corporate ladder. Take the anonymized sample data from a client of organizational performance measurement platform CoEfficient. Their client’s Culture score is 63 out of 100. You might think for a moment, not bad…if that was an Uber driver’s score, he’d probably still be in good enough standing to keep booking rides. 

Where things get ugly is in the scores of frontline staff and managers. These groups average score doesn’t even break 40 out of 100. I think we need to call this what it is: a simmering discontent that suggests org-level wanger simmering in the southern regions of the org chart. 

And now Alex is responsible not only for addressing his own wanger but that of a team of several - maybe tens, maybe hundreds - of other people experiencing their own wanger. It’s as if wanger has the potential to escalate from an amuse bouche to an all you can eat buffet in the blink of an eye.

Transforming "Wangry" Into Contentment

So, what's the antidote to "wangry"? Here are four strategies to simmer down and find satisfaction:

• Self-Reflection with a Side of Humor: Take a moment to assess what's really eating you (besides your underwhelming lunch). What parts of your job used to spark joy, and what feels off now? Sometimes, acknowledging the absurdity of certain situations can be the first step towards change.

• Boundaries and Self-Care Are Non-Negotiable: Start treating your personal time like the VIP section of a club—no work allowed. Rediscover hobbies that make you happy, preferably ones that don't involve reviewing spreadsheets. 

  And hey, we need to talk about sleep. The lack thereof, actually. If you thought the low score of the lower end of the CoEfficient data above was bad, it actually gets worse. A whopping 81% of the same firm reported negative to very negative sleep quality. Whether you’re a partner, CEO, janitor, or lone-wolf salesperson your sleep affects how you show up. If you’re going to battle the headwinds of wanger, self-care must include positive sleep hygiene. 

Sample data courtesy of CoEfficient.

• Partner with Me for Executive Coaching: If you’re navigating the rough waters of "wangry," consider me, Dave O'Connor, as your compass. Unlike adopting a one-size-fits-all approach, I work with you to uncover and tackle the root causes of your career discontent—be it leadership challenges, feeling stuck, or battling self-doubt. My goal? To enhance your self-awareness and confidence, empowering you to chart a fulfilling path forward. For a more personalized approach to turning "wangry" into contentment, and contentment into authentic and powerful leadership, book a discovery call today.

• For the team: Unlock essential team dialogue and begin shifting mindsets and manners in your team with Dave O’Connor’s small team coaching sessions and group seminars. If you sense your firm is in the murky waters of org-level wanger and you want to experience the powerful insights of CoEfficient, we can make that happen too.

While "wangry" might sound like a funny buzzword, it encapsulates a real and pressing issue for many high-achieving professionals. By recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps to address the underlying issues, you can move from simmering discontent to a fulfilling career that truly satisfies. And remember, it's okay to laugh along the way. After all, sometimes the best way to beat "wangry" is to take it all in with an all-you-can-eat buffet of humor and a dash of perspective.

Obliterate Imposter ‘Syndrome’

The Daily Dave episode above is only about two and a half minutes long but if you are unable to read it, I’ve summarized below.

Here’s one way to start tearing down the walls behind this buzzword psychobabble we can’t avoid hearing about with imposter, “syndrome.” 

Step 1: Smash the language

It cannot be a syndrome if every person in the world has it or is capable of having it. That's just called life. It ain't a syndrome. It's a part of life. 

Step 2: Replace with the wisdom of the “Rookie Experience”

What is also a part of life for 99% of us is a rookie experience. At one point or another, we have either made it past tryouts, or interviews, or we have been invited onto the team. So we're allowed and we are entitled to be in the room. We also just don't know anything about what's going on in that room, yet. That's a totally normal starting place for any experience. It's called being a rookie. 

One of the ways to get out of being a rookie is you get mentorship, you get coaching;  you make friends, you find your place, you work really hard in the off-hours to improve yourself. You create and seek out resources and eventually you're not a rookie anymore. You're a pro, you're a player, you're a captain, you're a veteran. That takes time and it’s time well-spent rather than spinning around the anxiety of fearing you’re an imposter. 

What I really like about this rookie experience philosophy is that it takes the sense of a lack of control that we might feel we have about impostor syndrome and it just totally obliterates that. And it says, no, I'm at the normal part of any person's journey into something new, something foreign, something different, and I can gather resources to improve my station, improve my position. 

There's another layer to it, I suppose, which is if you have gotten to a place where you feel savvy, and then something knocks you off kilter and you lose confidence, and then you have waves of what may be considered impostor syndrome, you could draw back to this notion of the rookie experience and go, well, maybe what I am experiencing is the newness of this kind of discomfort, this kind of unknowing uncertainty being out of the loop. Okay, so I'm new to this experience as well. That’s life. 

And the cycle of newness - which is in fact evidence of your growth - continues. 

Know and Go.

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The ‘Meaning Approach’ To Motivation

Lately, I've had some intriguing conversations with clients and friends about motivation, and it's become clear that we all have our unique takes on it. But here's the deal – I've adopted Will Leach's motivation framework, and it's a game-changer. I’ve also added one element and I’ll call it the “Meaning Approach.”

Let me break it down. Instead of waiting for motivation to drop from the heavens, we can be the master of our own motivation universe. It's all about finding the incentives that already drive our behaviors and deciding if they're serving us or not. More importantly, it’s about being absolutely certain that the meaning of those incentives resonates for us. And if not, no worries, we can whip up some new incentives to get us where we want to be.

Take, for instance, the classic couch potato. To us "go-getters," they might seem like creatures from another dimension. A loathsome sector of humanity even. But here's a revelation - the couch potato isn't actually unmotivated. They are just highly motivated by different incentives. And yet another twist: those incentives have the same meaning as the incentives that drive us “go-getters.” The couch-potato finds pleasure, control, and relaxation on their comfy couch – just like we do from creation, growth, and success. Maybe, we're all on the same motivational wavelength, just grooving to different tunes. You catch my drift?

The couch potato could be just as motivated, if not more so, than the most action-oriented among us. The magic ingredient here is meaning. It's not just incentives; it's what those incentives mean to us. That's the secret sauce that cranks the intensity of motivation up to 11.

Once we unravel the mystery of motivation and break it down to incentives, we're in control. And you know what? We love control. Take it one step further now. When we add or understand the meaning of those incentives…well now we’re in the territory of rocket fuel.

For example:

“I am motivated to work because I need money.” Money is the incentive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need money to survive and beyond. But when your motivation is low, and you’ve already been working your but off for this incentive of money alone, it’s not exactly a well of inspiration. Here’s what upgrading the incentive with meaning can look like instead:

“To me, money means freedom, accomplishment, security, and reliability for my loved ones. I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going, not just the money itself.” The energy here so much more powerful and purposeful, because it’s tied to deeper meaning.

“I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going”

It’s really rather simple in practice and you can try it any day of the week. “I’m motivated to do X because of Y incentive..and that incentive means Z...now I can’t not try because of how important Z is to me.”

It's time to take the power back and turn motivation from a mystical unicorn into a controllable, tangible force. The next time you're stuck in a motivational rut, ditch the self-flagellation and switch gears. Ask yourself, "What incentives would make my heart race?" Then ask, “why?” It all begins with incentives and then springs to life with meaning. Tweak them and watch your motivation soar.

KNOW AND GO.

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Here at Hey Coach Dave, our main objective is to provide you with valuable tips and perspectives that can help you overcome challenges, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life.

We truly hope that the information you found in this blog post was helpful and insightful.

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Dial It In.

Get dialed in no matter the scenario by slowing down through biofeedback and expression.

Stressed, sad, anxious, angry, overwhelmed, elated. Every emotion and every moment is an opportunity for a freak out.

Or, to focus on the focus.

Here are three ways to work with what ya got:

Breathe

-

Breathe -

1) Breathe.
Take three slow deep breaths in and out.

Breathing becomes even more useful when you practice diaphragmatic breathing. Learn how to do it in 60 seconds here.

On your third breath or after you’re done intentionally breathing ask yourself:

“What is most important to me in this moment? What am I meant to do right now?”

Give yourself a minute to thoughtfully answer that question.

(I recommend closing the eyes during the exercise as long as you’re not driving or operating heavy machinery).

Talk

-

Talk -

2) Talk.
Express yourself without judgement.

Say out loud to yourself or someone you trust:

• what you are feeling,

• what you would like to be feeling, and

• how you can feel it right here and now.

Without judgement, welcome in reactions from yourself or the person you shared this moment with.

Move

-

Move -

3) Move.
Take a walk, do push-ups, stretch.

Anything repetitive for 3-5 minutes will get you closer to homeostasis.

Reaching homeostasis helps you slow down…from your heart rate to your racing thoughts.

Once you’ve slowed down, you can be better in touch with your body and get out of your head.

Now ask yourself gently, “what’s next?”

Or think back to effective centering techniques that have worked for you in the past or have been modeled to you by someone you trust or admire.

The key to dialing it in is actually not doing any one focusing exercise perfectly, it’s being mindful of the signals your body or mind are giving you that you may need to dial it in. Mindfulness, really.

KNOW AND GO!

Did you find this helpful?
Here at Hey Coach Dave, our main objective is to provide you with valuable tips and perspectives that can help you overcome challenges, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life. We truly hope that the information you found in this blog post was helpful and insightful.
If you haven't already, we highly recommend subscribing to the Hey Coach Dave newsletter. By doing so, you'll receive even more helpful tips and perspectives directly in your inbox. Our newsletter covers a wide range of topics, including personal development, leadership, productivity, health, and much more. It's a great way to stay motivated, inspired, and informed on the latest strategies for success.
Furthermore, if you know someone who could benefit from the message we shared today, we encourage you to share the blog or newsletter link with them. By spreading the word, you'll be helping others access valuable resources that can support their personal growth journey.
Thank you for being a part of our Hey Coach Dave community. We appreciate your support, and we're here to assist you on your path to a happier and more successful life.

Alone Not Lonely: My Method for Reframing The Meaning of Being Alone

We were in our new house for about six months when my dad touched the knob of the door from our family room to the garage for the last time. He had a few belongings under his arms and he said goodbye to me, age six, my sister, age eight, and my mom. In an instant I was lost. The only way I can explain it is that I was swimming in a thick soup of loneliness, confused and worried about what would happen next. My sister went to her room, and my mom went to hers. I wondered what they were doing in their rooms and whether I existed.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on loneliness. How does loneliness arises in me; how, despite not wanting to experience it, I can fuel it; how I can manage it; and why I’m capable of feeling lonely in the first place. I am sure a lot of it goes back to moments in childhood like when my dad left, and I’ve handled lots of that in therapy - highly recommend doing this by the way.

As I’ll explain below, I’ve chosen to not ask why these days, so much as “what now?” Because the data tells me that, regardless of the reason, as an American adult man, I’m not alone in feeling lonely. According to the Survey Center on American Life, only 27% of American men have six or more friends. That’s wild - nearly one out of every four guys is only friends with six or less guys? That’s not wild, actually, that sucks!

But here’s what I’m driving at - my journey with loneliness has not been about adding more friends; it’s been about reframing the meaning of being alone so that I can thrive alone. Specifically, when I am alone from 7:45am to 6:30pm every day as a solopreneur, building a coaching practice by myself in my home. I’m married and have an energetic attention-hungry Border Terrier. So it’s not like I’m alone all the time. It’s just those work hours when I can fall into doubting myself, my plans, and my vision because I don’t have that familiar feeling of other people to bounce off of.

I was put in daycare when I was nine months old. Eventually I was in schools, at summer camp, on sports teams, contending with roommates, collaborating on business teams, participating in men’s groups, volunteering, organizing music and entertainment projects, and fumbling my way through romantic relationships. Those are just the nine inter-relational settings I can think of off the top of my head let alone many others, I am sure, in which I found an escape from loneliness. 

To put it simply: I grossly underestimated the impact alone time would have on me, despite working “alone” while leading a team remotely during the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, I’ve been engaging with teams, friends, enemies, and everyone in between ever since I was a baby. 

If you’ve noticed discontent in recent months and aren’t quite sure whether it’s loneliness, or why you’re feeling it, I’ve outlined a few tips just for you, because they work for me.

Ask Why Later

Despite all my many interactions I can still be lonely. Why does loneliness get invited into my heart or mind, like a stranger snuck into my home? 

As I often tell clients, we will have a lifetime to dissect the why’s of our past. And even when we get a clear answer, it might not be all that satisfying or useful. What I’m most interested in discovering with my clients is how to close the gap between today and an ideal future state. The gap I personally needed to close with loneliness was re-setting my mindset when I’m alone.

Alone does not equal lonely

To everyone out there that knows that being alone does not equal being lonely, congrats! To the rest of us who still need to reframe cognitively, and re-design behaviorally, in order to manage loneliness, it’s good to see you. I got your back.

I teach a self-management process that in its simplest form is a cycle of Reflection, Decision, and Action, practiced at high frequency and in all aspects of life. This cycle creates confidence and momentum for more change on your terms, regardless of the many external factors that constantly inundate our lives.

Here’s how I’m using self-management to embrace being alone:

1. Notice: I have a very clear set of behaviors and narratives when I’m lonely. It doesn’t matter what they are for me; it matters that you begin to notice what they are for you. Once I was able to notice the specific behaviors and interpretations of a scenario and myself were directly and only associated with loneliness I was able to use them to my advantage.

2. Reflect: I will admit that I give the loneliness narratives space to breathe. I allow myself to feel fully lonely for a moment. It’s almost like the more I can feel it, the more I can point to it. It’s like I’m calling it out from hiding, and it can’t control me. With loneliness out in the open, I can observe it and decide what to do with it.

3. Decide: being a husband, a solopreneur, and a coach who helps others overcome obstacles, I am not a huge fan of flailing around helplessly in unproductive emotions once I know they’re dominating my space. So, my decision invariably is to swiftly disassociate from the loneliness once I’ve given it a fair amount of time to be noticed.

4. Act: Disassociating from loneliness in a practical sense means that I tell myself, “being alone does not obligate you to feel lonely.” I say that a few times and logic generally kicks in. But often times I have to occupy my mind with something declarative and positive. So I have recently started writing down desirable states of mind that can be evoked by being alone, and it looks like this: 

1. I am alone and at peace

2. I am alone and content

3. I am alone and creative

4. I am alone and artistic

5. I am alone and building

6. I am alone and growing

Google or ask ChatGPT to pull up information on “Coping with Loneliness” and your results will be lists of things to do. I think that’s reasonable, to some degree, and lots of people including myself do need to be doing something in order to overcome something. I get that. 

But I also want to encourage you to consider that there is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, there’s nothing to do, and that you are enough to be in a room alone with you. 

I have to remind myself of this fact five days a week. I’m a very forgetful person, so if I can do it, so can you. 

BONUS: Cold Showers

Cold water exposure is being covered a lot these days. I’m proud to say that I was experimenting with the positive effects of cold showers back in 2015. At least in this one practice, I was ahead of the curve!

As of December 2022, I’ve returned to using cold showers, sometimes twice a day. They force me to: 

1. Control my breathe

2. Decide on my mindset

3. Endure discomfort

4. Slow down when my instinct is to speed up

5. Test my mental toughness on a daily basis

While I’m in a cold shower my mind can use it as a metaphor for something else I’m worried about wont end, such as loneliness. And when I’m out of the shower and feeling discomfort, such as loneliness, I remind myself I can endure it, just like the cold shower. This reminder triggers other positive self-talk, such as: 

1. This is temporary

2. You are capable

3. There is something to be gained

4. You’ve done this before and you can do it again

My daily ritual and the positive reframing and positive self-talk that it evokes has been hugely beneficial to me. I highly recommend experimenting with a couple weeks of cold showers. Your default mental settings, and your grit, might surprise you. 

Conclusion

I have spent years bopping around inside of and between groups and have felt lonely. And more recently I’ve spent seven months being alone, and have felt lonely. At this point, the common denomenator is me, and that’s a good thing. There’s a whole lot I don’t control but I do control me. Specifically, my mindset and my relationship with alone-ness. Maybe that’s what I’ve been searching for this whole time - to replace loneliness with the very fact-based, dispassionate reality of alone-ness, and how wildly different that is than loneliness. I’m becoming pretty cool with alone-ness and I hope you can be too. If you need help, let’s talk.