Stop Staring at the Problem

Hear me out... there's an "unproductive" way to help someone who’s stuck — and it works.

There’s a phrase in coaching: work on the person, not the problem. It’s good advice — the problem is rarely the real problem. But in everyday life, most of us aren’t in a coaching session. We’re in our living rooms. At a bar. In a meeting. On a walk with a friend who’s wrestling with something. And in those moments, the phrase can feel too abstract to be useful.

Here’s a simpler, more human version of the same idea: Stop staring at the problem.

In fact, stop staring at the person too. Instead, get shoulder-to-shoulder — literally or metaphorically — and look together at something else. Something problem-adjacent or, even better, not related to the problem at all.

The Power of Looking Away

Let me give you an example. Say someone you care about is facing a difficult financial decision. They’re anxious, unsure, spinning in circles. And you don’t have any brilliant solutions either.

Here’s what most of us try to do: we jump into the problem with them. We talk about the numbers, weigh the pros and cons, and hope we can reason our way to clarity.

Here’s what I’d suggest instead: go take a walk. Talk about something else. Make each other laugh. Wander into a conversation about a memory, a future plan, or even something as small as the trees around you. Leave the decision alone for a while.

Because here’s the thing: when you expand the field of view — when you remind each other that this decision is not the only thing that exists — the grip of stress, anxiety, and worry starts to loosen. You remember that there’s a whole world beyond the walls of this one choice. And in that space, creativity, perspective, and capability tend to sneak back in.

Why It Works (Even When You’re Not Trying)

There’s science underneath this. The human nervous system downshifts in the presence of safety, connection, and shared attention. When you’re laughing together, noticing together, being human together, your body interprets that as safety — and the parts of your brain that went offline under stress start lighting up again.

It’s not magic. It’s physiology.

And once that happens, the problem that felt impossible ten minutes ago often looks more workable. You see new angles. You trust your judgment more. You’re less desperate to solve and more able to choose.

Try It

Next time you or someone you care about is stuck: - Interrupt the stare-down. Call out the fact that you’re going in circles. - Change the scenery. Suggest a walk, a coffee, a conversation about literally anything else. - Hold the space. Don’t rush to drag things back to the issue. Trust the detour to do its work.

It’s counterintuitive, but it works: by not trying to solve the problem, you often do the deepest work possible.

The irony is this: the next time you do look at the decision — whether five minutes or five days later — it will probably look different. Lighter. More solvable. Maybe even obvious.

And you’ll both know it wasn’t because you muscled through the tension. It was because, for a little while, you remembered there’s more to life than the problem itself.