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The Case for Compassion in Corporate Coaching
Coaching with compassion must be considered by executive and business coaches, nurtured in senior executives, and modeled for the mid-level and junior employees making their way to the forefront of leadership.
Richard Boyatzis, considered by many to be one of the godfather's of coaching, believes coaching with compassion is the only way. I instantly resonated with this framework, which I learned about in “Helping People Change,” co-authored by Melvin Smith and Ellen Van Oosten. The alternative to coaching with compassion is a dry, prescriptive, short-term oriented approach called coaching for compliance. It's as unoriginal as it is belittling. Continue reading if you’re curious about another way.
“I’m not sure if you’ve experienced coaching with compassion but given your seniority I can guarantee that you have both been led by and have probably lead others through coaching for compliance. ”
Think about a manager who told you what to do. Now think about a manager who asked you what you think you could do. Perhaps you've been fortunate enough to have a boss who collaboratively brainstormed ideas with you, like two members of a band. That's peeling back the curtain 1% on coaching for compliance versus coaching with compassion. Being told what to do in order to deliver an outcome versus being empowered to consider what it is about you, and what it is about the work that will inspire you, to both complete a task and enrich yourself.
The case against coaching with compassion is anchored in fear. It sounds something like this:
- We don't have time to "coach" our people
- I can't learn how to be compassionate, be a manager, and also get my work done
- Our people aren't the type to respond to "compassion"
- We have existing systems and protocols for a reason, compassion and coaching would disrupt that
To that last point: You’re damn right! When was the last time you got your hands dirty, anyway? I’m not talking about roughing it up by following orders. I’m talking about innovation. Innovation led by YOU. If you're curious enough to be reading these very words you're also probably curious and observant enough to notice - even if you've buried your findings - that your organization could use a little disruption.
- I don't want to be awkward.
- I don't want to look weak.
- I don’t want to look distracted.
No offense, you already do look weak. The good news is we all do. We're all vulnerable and powerful and confused and in control and out of control at all times. Not to get woo about it but lacking control while awkwardly stumbling through life and leadership is sort of what it's all about. That's the Learning Zone, the growth area, the edge. It's good to be there. It's good to have you here! Welcome! If you've been here for a while, hey how are ya, can I buy you a drink?
Moving along…
What is coaching with compassion?
Coaching with compassion, I'm going to steal this right from the pages of Richard Boyatzis, Melvin Smith, and Ellen Van Oosten's latest book, "Helping People Change:" coaching with a genuine sense of caring and concern, focusing on the other person, providing support and encouragement, and facilitating the discovery and pursuit of that person's dreams and passions. You are not alone and no one could blame you for reading that and instantly thinking:
- I am already someone's parent, aunt or uncle, I have neither the time nor energy to coddle adults in my organization.
- But who's caring about me, my dreams, my passions?
- If my whole organization starts focusing on its people then who the hell will focus on the product?!
What’s in it for you to start coaching with compassion?
Yes! Incentives! Now we’re talking. To name a few:
Talent acquisition costs freed up for other initiatives due to retention of exceptional people bought because their boss doesn’t talk about giving a sh*t s/he/they actually show it.
Efficient problem solving and problem anticipation by grown-ass adults who know their worth and intelligence; who know their employer knows their worth and intelligence; and who are eager to give it up for the organization because they’re proud to be a part of it.
Less expensive and longer-lasting client/customer relationships that run deeper than transactional, commodotized product delivery. Better reviews, net promoter scores, referral networks and sterling reputation follows suit. You know the drill. It’s the brand you dreamed about leading but refuse to believe could actually be your own.
How to start coaching with compassion?
I am jumping wildly ahead here in an effort to assuage anxious and skeptical leaders. Keeping this very simple for now:
- Research: Read, skim or ask for a ChatGPT summary of any of the books indexed below.
- Relationships: Text a few leaders you know to ask if/how they've approaching org change or individual leadership development. Ask them if they've ever heard of this coaching with compassion nonsense. They probably haven't. You might love being at the forefront. It's like a warp-speed ride through a meteor shower and those of us on the shuttle are pretty bad-ass.
- Reconnaissance: Reach out to a coach like me or a coach you used in the past. Just get the conversation going. Listen to your curiosity. It's one of your gifts.
- Reflection: This last one is real-world, immediate practice you can do on yourself: try out self-compassion. Today, when you get spun up, annoyed, confused, or doubtful about a decision you made or might have to make, slow down and take two minutes to ask yourself, "how are you doing? What makes you one of one? What's your dream for this project/career/life?"
Okay, that last question, you might not get the full answer until you're drinking from the silver cup up in the sky, but you can at least check in with it! The point here is to simply notice how asking questions from a place of care and concern shifts the mood and potentially the outcome of where you're headed for a moment.
There is so much more to be said about coaching with compassion. I haven't even scratched the surface of the surface here. But it has been weighing on me that I am not advocating enough for coaching with compassion - the very coaching I know and love to do for others and on myself with my own coach. I hope you explore coaching with compassion soon too.
Book Recommendations
Anxious? Here’s One Signal and Six Tips To Reclaim Your Attention
Feeling anxious? Identify this crucial signal and follow six practical tips to regain control over your attention and reduce anxiety effectively.
Does a certain type of infuriating friction arise when you become anxious? For example, do you get clumsy? Does time stop moving at its normal speed? When you’re under pressure, do your sentences become incomplete or incoherent? When you lose your sense of control, or when perfection kicks into overdrive, do you become forgetful and terse with coworkers or family members? If any of these experiences are true for you, you’re not alone.
The good news: it’s happening because you envision more for yourself or those around you and you’re driving towards it, often as a high-achiever and a leader. The even better news is that you can leverage this friction as a signal to slow down, and use behavioral skills that shift your attention from imminent threat to calmly thriving.
The Leader’s Instinct
If you’re a C-suite executive, a solopreneur, entrepreneur, do-er, creator, manager, or a problem solver you’ve likely experienced a similar compulsion as me. When a situation feels unsettled you work tirelessly to resolve it. In a business setting, you rush to feverishly gather resources, and mobilize colleagues and vendors to get to the bottom of your dilemma.
If this is your instinct at work, then it is likely the instinct you rely on at home, and even for your own body. You might work out more, feverishly write notes, chase leads (sales, information, or otherwise), burn the midnight oil, change diet, buy products online. Anything to attack the problem full force. Since you are a leader, you know instinctively that with enough effort, you can solve any problem.
The Leader’s Choice
I have been wrong about throwing the kitchen sink at my discomfort more times than I can count. So I say the following to you with total humility: if you’re doing the same, you’re doing it wrong. Speeding up is not the antidote to screwing up, in fact the opposite is more often the case. See the graph below, for reference.
When we are anxious, our fight or flight response kicks in. Special Forces Operators and First Responders receive exhaustive training to manage this instinct under pressure. However for most of us, when discomfort increases, time feels longer. When certainty shifts to the unknown, our resources feel more constrained. We want to act fast to take care of ourselves, or we freeze.
There is another way.
Six Behavior Techniques for Slowing Down and Reclaiming Your Attention
When we slow down, we begin to notice reality with greater objectivity. We begin to notice that we are not operating in extreme scarcity, rather in a balance of scarcity and abundance, pros and cons, helpful and unhelpful. This attention to balance that results from slowing down helps us make decisions and behave in ways that are healthier and kinder to ourselves and those around us.
Here are six behavioral techniques for slowing down and reclaiming your attention:
1) Acceptance
Accept that things - as absolutely terrible or wonderful as they may be - are exactly the way they are. Accept the possibility that you have no or little control over the situation you so desperately want to change. Accept that your body is reacting to an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation. Accept that your body may be associating a past experience with a present one, regardless of the fact that they are different.
2) Breathing Techniques
You can find breathing techniques via Google, Spotify, Calm App, Insight Timer App, and books related to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, PTSD, Anxiety and Panic Disorder, and Mindfulness Meditation. You can also do these simple steps in cycles of 5:
Place hand on belly and breath in through nose with a focus on expanding your belly (diaphragmatic breathing); you will feel your belly expand under your hand
When full of breath in belly, hold for a count of four
Exhale through a small space in your lips
3) Body scan
Body scanning is a mindfulness practice that brings your attention into your body. Because attention is finite, centering yours on your body helps to declutter the mind of external worries. At the risk of sounding cliche, worries are thoughts about something not yet in your control. Therefore, they do not serve you, especially in turbulent times. Having a mindful, active awareness of your body on the other hand, serves you immensely.
To self-administer a body scan you can follow the script below taking between 5-7 minutes for the full body scan. The body scan creates an opportunity for you to come out of your mind and into your body; and for many people it helps us move from worried fiction to present moment truth - facts about what we actually feel here and now in our body.
Body Scan Script
Find a comfortable seated position
Close or open eyes, whichever is more comfortable
Breath calmly, ideally from diaphragm
Begin noticing bodily sensations by intentionally starting at the top of your head
Move through your forehead, temples, eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, mouth and jaw
Move through the front of your neck, the back of your neck, then move to your shoulder blades
Move your awareness now down your inner arm, outer arm, over your elbows, and over your forearms, to your wrists, palms and finally fingers
Now bring your awareness to your chest, sternum, ribs, torso, gut, lower back, pelvis and hips - notice feelings inside your body as well as on the surface of your skin
Shift your awareness slightly now to your lower body, beginning with your buttox and groin, inner thighs, top of your thighs and lower thighs
Move down your thighs to you knees, and now underneath your knees
Roll down your knees to your shins, moving down your calves now and to your lower calves, outer ankle and inner ankles.
Now roll down under your heels, to the top of your feet, the bridge of your feet, and finally through to your toes.
You can also reference the sources listed in the Breathing Techniques above for body scan recommendations.
4) Mantra
Mantra, originated in Buddhism and Hinduism, is a word or sound used repeatedly to aid concentration in meditation. In business and team sports, mantras are often used to focus energy and attention around a shared principle. Think of the Notre Dame Football team’s “Play Like a Champion Today” plaque, courtesy of “Rudy.”
A mantra costs no money, it’s entirely your own, and simple. For these reasons and more you can consider a mantra like a trusted friend, always there to help pull you through a difficult moment. The practice of repeating your mantra will help you dial into the present moment, uncluttered with worry, and boosted with a greater sense of control.
To use a mantra, quite literally repeat the word, phrase, or sound that suits you best over and over again. It’s that simple. You can combine mantra repetition with breathing techniques, or rubbing a token (for example a string of beads, a keychain, a pebble, or an object on your desk). Here’s the key: do this mindfully. What does that mean? Countless books have been written on the topic of mindfulness, but to keep it simple for you here, it means to repeat your mantra with your attention fully focused on the words, sounds, intentions, and/or bodily sensations associated with your mantra. Much like doing a body scan or a breathing exercise, this turns your attention to the one absolute fact you know to be true: you are alive, present, and caring for yourself in this moment.
5 tips to find a Mantra
Use a motivational quote that genuinely inspires or calms you
Make up a silly, focusing, or playful sound that pulls you into the moment
Ask a friend or family member for three adjectives that describe your best qualities
Reference song lyrics, poems, or movie quotes that center you
Be still, listen to yourself, write down a simple statement you can experiment with.
To encourage you to think personally and creatively about your mantra, I’ll share mine. During times of overwhelming stress, I turn to “Just ‘cause you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there,” which I stole from the Radiohead’s, “There There.” This mantra reminds me that while I may be feeling or assuming something to be true, it may or may not be so. By reminding myself of this fact, I am able to check-in on other facts, and get objective about a bigger picture issue. Once I get objective, I can begin to plan, make decisions and take action.
Please: If you don’t have one already, find a mantra, try it out, and share what you notice!
5) Positive Self-talk
A mantra will ground you. Positive self-talk will propel you. Yet, positive self-talk is one of those behaviors we tend to think of as rather cringe. If you do not practice positive self-talk on a regular basis because you’re embarrassed or unfamiliar it’s time to start. Here’s the thing I embraced in my late twenties that I’m going to directly challenge you on: you need to rely on yourself, full stop.
Examples of positive self-talk statements
“I have done this before.”
“I am limitless potential.”
“I am loved, respected, and admired.”
“I am capable of surprising myself.”
“Five ways my friends describe my best qualities are …”
“You got this, [your name], here’s why …”
There comes a time when we all have to move out of our comfort zone with self-management. That’s not work talk, by the way. That’s life, in general. We have to self-manage because as adults most of our peers are busy with their own lives. They don’t have time to bail us out of every anxious, or worrisome moment. And as I’m sure you know, there are a lot more anxious moments in adulthood than easy ones. Next time you’re in a pinch, don’t be bashful about learning and doing positive self-talk on a daily basis.
6) Fact-check
Finally, bolster your positive self-talk with indisputable evidence. Recall the real results you’ve created for yourself in similar situations. Are you facing a specific situation for the very first time? Great. Consider the qualities of your character that are transferable and find the proof that you can tap into those qualities again by reflecting on your actions and outcomes. Here’s what it sounds like to pair positive self-talk with fact-checking:
“I may not have had this exact experience before, but I can rely on these three traits to get me through it…I know I possess these traits because I saw them in action when I handled [your real-life example(s)].”
Conclusion
My father often reminded me that I need to be more prepared for boredom and stress than for fun. As high-achievers, leaders, spouses, or parents, we all need to and can relatively easily adopt behavioral skills that help us through anxiety, lack of control, and change. I’ve provided just six coping and self-management skills, among hundreds of others at your disposal. If you would be so kind as to share your own tips for in-the-moment stress management, my readers and I would be grateful to hear from you.
If you would like to explore an ongoing coaching relationship to shift your energy from overwhelm to purposeful action, please contact me.