Helping Lawyers Overcome Imposter Syndrome

One month from today, Illinois lawyers are going to learn about the “Rookie Phenomenon.” 

What’s the Rookie Phenomenon? It’s a combination of reclaiming the roots of Imposter “Syndrome” - originally defined as Phenomenon, see below - and embracing the normal newness of high-pressure, high-visibility risk-taking for oneself despite fear, uncertainty, and doubt. 

One key point of the Rookie Phenomenon is this: 

IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A ROOKIE WITHOUT FIRST MAKING THE TEAM. which means… YOU EARNED YOUR SEAT RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. 

Whether by tryouts, interviews, vetting, or invitation, you have made the team. In other words, the powers-that-be believe you qualify for the job. Whether you’re ready to embrace this fact or not, YOU EARNED IT. It wasn’t luck, it wasn't oversight. You belong right where you are. 

Imposter Phenomenon was first documented in psychological research as a tendency for high-achieving women to feel as though their success was undeserved and they'd quickly be exposed as intellectual frauds. Women, marginalized populations, and perfectionists (and oof, what a combo if you’re all three - which high achievers often are) all experience bouts of imposter – eh ehmm - rookie phenomenon. 

Illinois Lawyers: On March 12 we're going to talk about the Rookie Phenomenon and how you can manage it for success. Register here to be a part of the conversation.

Thanks to The Chicago Bar Association for inviting me in for this topic.

#chicagolawyer #illinoislawyer #impostersyndrome 

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About your presenter: 

Dave O’Connor is an executive coach with 20+ years of experience in leadership and mentoring in tech and professional services. Dave provides executive coaching to mid- to late-career leaders who want to lead with purpose and leave a legacy of uplifting others. Dave’s clients describe their sessions with him as a combination of self-discovery and making real plans based on powerful insights. Dave’s clients come to him with a specific leadership or life challenge, and shift into clear-eyed, confident decision-making and self-awareness. Coach Dave’s office is in Lake Forest, IL. (www.heycoachdave.com)

Holiday Hot Take: “SHOULD”

  “Should” comes up a lot during the holiday season. It affects us all differently but one thing is universal: it's a real fly in the old ego ointment during an already stressful part of the year.

So what can you do about it? Be mindful of your language with yourself.

Look, we all have an inner monologue. It doesn't make you crazy. We all talk ourselves through every part of our day, and our dreams. That means we're always giving ourselves the gift of communicating with ourselves. That gift is the chance to hear how we’re treating ourselves at any given moment.

“Okay, I’ll cut to the chase here: what an exhausting amount of pressure to put on yourself.”

When you notice the “shoulds” you’re imposing upon yourself, zoom out for a moment and ask yourself:

"is kindness there; is patience there; Is empathy there?”

In other words, how are you really treating yourself when one part of you is telling the in-the-moment and present version of yourself that s/he “should” do all these things bearing down upon you?

And if the answer is no, don't beat yourself up.

The awareness isn’t a reason to start another cycle of "shoulds" like, "Oh, I should be better to myself. I should be kinder to myself."

Just simply start by noticing. And if you have an opportunity to take a breath, to utter a mantra, to write a note down for yourself about the noticing, just start there.

It’s not that you should start there, but that you are simply welcome to if you’d like to.

Know and go.

Go Get Weird: 7 leadership lessons from a kids sketch show

Get that penguin out of here.

There I was, both laughing out loud and self-aware. Watching other adults’ kids act out on stage was not a Friday night I’d ever envisioned for myself.

A couple of weeks ago a group of six actors between nine and thirteen years old performed a 30-minute show of entirely original sketch comedy in front of a live audience for the first time. I was lucky enough to be invited to volunteer at their performance because their teacher is also my acting teacher. (Jeremy Kruse / Gorton Center (Lake Forest, IL))

The kids fumbled through a few moments, nailed others, and walked backwards into surprise laughs. My default is to notice and celebrate courage. Believe me, these kids have it. But there’s more to be gleaned than “be courageous” from these kids, the setting, and their teachers.

I jotted down a few of the lessons I was reminded of below. If you’re a curious leader who seeks inspiration everywhere, this should be fun:

• Stay naive - knowing as little as possible allows you to see all that is possible.

• Let go - attachment is a choice. Where it’s safe to do so, choose freedom.

• Be eager to fail - discovery comes from effort and most effort is imperfect; make the effort and find the good stuff.

• …And when you are failing, improvise - hold onto that naive and freeing belief that if you just keep trying different things you’ll find what you’re looking for.

• Practice - find the place where and people with whom you can consistently hone your craft.

• Create safe space and belonging - there is no substitute for it. Period.

• Don’t be afraid to surprise yourself - life’s not worth boring yourself to death, go get weird! See what happens!

And as the mother of one of the actors told me after the show, “Harriet will have lots of other people tell her to be less her, so I am not going to.” 

Surround yourself with people who want you to be as much of you as you want to be too.

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KNOW AND GO.

Obliterate Imposter ‘Syndrome’

The Daily Dave episode above is only about two and a half minutes long but if you are unable to read it, I’ve summarized below.

Here’s one way to start tearing down the walls behind this buzzword psychobabble we can’t avoid hearing about with imposter, “syndrome.” 

Step 1: Smash the language

It cannot be a syndrome if every person in the world has it or is capable of having it. That's just called life. It ain't a syndrome. It's a part of life. 

Step 2: Replace with the wisdom of the “Rookie Experience”

What is also a part of life for 99% of us is a rookie experience. At one point or another, we have either made it past tryouts, or interviews, or we have been invited onto the team. So we're allowed and we are entitled to be in the room. We also just don't know anything about what's going on in that room, yet. That's a totally normal starting place for any experience. It's called being a rookie. 

One of the ways to get out of being a rookie is you get mentorship, you get coaching;  you make friends, you find your place, you work really hard in the off-hours to improve yourself. You create and seek out resources and eventually you're not a rookie anymore. You're a pro, you're a player, you're a captain, you're a veteran. That takes time and it’s time well-spent rather than spinning around the anxiety of fearing you’re an imposter. 

What I really like about this rookie experience philosophy is that it takes the sense of a lack of control that we might feel we have about impostor syndrome and it just totally obliterates that. And it says, no, I'm at the normal part of any person's journey into something new, something foreign, something different, and I can gather resources to improve my station, improve my position. 

There's another layer to it, I suppose, which is if you have gotten to a place where you feel savvy, and then something knocks you off kilter and you lose confidence, and then you have waves of what may be considered impostor syndrome, you could draw back to this notion of the rookie experience and go, well, maybe what I am experiencing is the newness of this kind of discomfort, this kind of unknowing uncertainty being out of the loop. Okay, so I'm new to this experience as well. That’s life. 

And the cycle of newness - which is in fact evidence of your growth - continues. 

Know and Go.

If you found this post insightful please be sure to sign up for the newsletter and pass it on to a friend! There is no better feeling than to know we’re not tripping through the forest alone, so let’s grow the Coach Dave Gang!

Real Relentless Leadership

I was in a career and existential crisis a couple of years ago, at the end of a miserable hour and a half commute home when I picked up the phone and called my friend Will.

“You’ve known me for almost twenty years. My coach told me to ask someone who really knows me to describe me in three adjectives. How would you describe me, Will?”

Long pause.

“Relentless,” he declared. I can’t remember the other two.

During one of my typical 3am solo brainstorming sessions last night I started repeating that word, “relentless, relentless, relentless…” I can’t tell you why. And I wish I could tell you it helped me go to sleep. It didn’t. But it did spark this question:

What makes a relentless leader, and is striving to be one a noble aspiration?

Relentless leadership can take many forms and can shift day to day, hour by hour. I believe what it boils down to is how the leader honors the self and others in ways that lift households, teams, companies, communities, states, and nations.

Here are 50 ways plus two extra that you can bet make you a relentless leader, regardless of your stature, station, or celebrity.

curious humble listening empathetic coaching creative open-minded problem-solving trying experimenting communicating asking mentoring discovering searching learning caring laughing wondering fixing trialing questioning collaborating connecting befriending seeking exploring considering discerning self-aware mindful forgiving delegating designing envisioning selling respectful improvising dot-connecting expressive ethical modeling appreciating nurturing brainstorming raising the bar championing acknowledging getting feedback purposeful imperfect growing

curious humble listening empathetic coaching creative open-minded problem-solving trying experimenting communicating asking mentoring discovering searching learning caring laughing wondering fixing trialing questioning collaborating connecting befriending seeking exploring considering discerning self-aware mindful forgiving delegating designing envisioning selling respectful improvising dot-connecting expressive ethical modeling appreciating nurturing brainstorming raising the bar championing acknowledging getting feedback purposeful imperfect growing

The Relentless Leader

1. Relentlessly curious

2. Relentlessly humble

3. Relentlessly listening

4. Relentlessly empathetic

5. Relentlessly coaching

6. Relentlessly creative

7. Relentlessly open-minded

8. Relentlessly problem-solving

9. Relentlessly trying

10. Relentlessly experimenting

11. Relentlessly communicating

12. Relentlessly asking

13. Relentlessly mentoring

14. Relentlessly discovering

15. Relentlessly searching

16. Relentlessly learning

17. Relentlessly caring

18. Relentlessly laughing

19. Relentlessly wondering

20. Relentlessly fixing

21. Relentlessly trialing

22. Relentlessly questioning

23. Relentlessly collaborating

24. Relentlessly connecting

25. Relentlessly befriending

26. Relentlessly seeking

27. Relentlessly exploring

28. Relentlessly considering

29. Relentlessly discerning

30. Relentlessly self-aware

31. Relentlessly mindful

32. Relentlessly forgiving

33. Relentlessly delegating

34. Relentlessly designing

35. Relentlessly envisioning

36. Relentlessly selling

37. Relentlessly respectful

38. Relentlessly improvising

39. Relentlessly dot-connecting

40. Relentlessly expressive

41. Relentlessly ethical

42. Relentlessly modeling

43. Relentlessly appreciating

44. Relentlessly nurturing

45. Relentlessly brainstorming

46. Relentlessly raising the bar

47. Relentlessly championing

48. Relentlessly acknowledging

49. Relentlessly getting feedback

50. Relentlessly purposeful

51. Relentlessly imperfect

52. Relentlessly growing

A little optional homework assignment, if you’re up for it:

I’ll guarantee someone in your team, company, family, friend or social group needs to hear how you appreciate their leadership today.

Send them this post along with the numbers of the 3 relentless leadership qualities for which you admire them.

They might not be asking for it but they’ll definitely get a boost from receiving it.

KNOW AND GO.

The ‘Meaning Approach’ To Motivation

Lately, I've had some intriguing conversations with clients and friends about motivation, and it's become clear that we all have our unique takes on it. But here's the deal – I've adopted Will Leach's motivation framework, and it's a game-changer. I’ve also added one element and I’ll call it the “Meaning Approach.”

Let me break it down. Instead of waiting for motivation to drop from the heavens, we can be the master of our own motivation universe. It's all about finding the incentives that already drive our behaviors and deciding if they're serving us or not. More importantly, it’s about being absolutely certain that the meaning of those incentives resonates for us. And if not, no worries, we can whip up some new incentives to get us where we want to be.

Take, for instance, the classic couch potato. To us "go-getters," they might seem like creatures from another dimension. A loathsome sector of humanity even. But here's a revelation - the couch potato isn't actually unmotivated. They are just highly motivated by different incentives. And yet another twist: those incentives have the same meaning as the incentives that drive us “go-getters.” The couch-potato finds pleasure, control, and relaxation on their comfy couch – just like we do from creation, growth, and success. Maybe, we're all on the same motivational wavelength, just grooving to different tunes. You catch my drift?

The couch potato could be just as motivated, if not more so, than the most action-oriented among us. The magic ingredient here is meaning. It's not just incentives; it's what those incentives mean to us. That's the secret sauce that cranks the intensity of motivation up to 11.

Once we unravel the mystery of motivation and break it down to incentives, we're in control. And you know what? We love control. Take it one step further now. When we add or understand the meaning of those incentives…well now we’re in the territory of rocket fuel.

For example:

“I am motivated to work because I need money.” Money is the incentive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need money to survive and beyond. But when your motivation is low, and you’ve already been working your but off for this incentive of money alone, it’s not exactly a well of inspiration. Here’s what upgrading the incentive with meaning can look like instead:

“To me, money means freedom, accomplishment, security, and reliability for my loved ones. I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going, not just the money itself.” The energy here so much more powerful and purposeful, because it’s tied to deeper meaning.

“I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going”

It’s really rather simple in practice and you can try it any day of the week. “I’m motivated to do X because of Y incentive..and that incentive means Z...now I can’t not try because of how important Z is to me.”

It's time to take the power back and turn motivation from a mystical unicorn into a controllable, tangible force. The next time you're stuck in a motivational rut, ditch the self-flagellation and switch gears. Ask yourself, "What incentives would make my heart race?" Then ask, “why?” It all begins with incentives and then springs to life with meaning. Tweak them and watch your motivation soar.

KNOW AND GO.

Did you find this helpful?
Here at Hey Coach Dave, our main objective is to provide you with valuable tips and perspectives that can help you overcome challenges, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life.

We truly hope that the information you found in this blog post was helpful and insightful.

If you haven't already, we highly recommend subscribing to the Hey Coach Dave newsletter. By doing so, you'll receive even more helpful tips and perspectives directly in your inbox. Our newsletter covers a wide range of topics, including personal development, leadership, productivity, health, and much more. It's a great way to stay motivated, inspired, and informed on the latest strategies for success.

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Dial It In.

Get dialed in no matter the scenario by slowing down through biofeedback and expression.

Stressed, sad, anxious, angry, overwhelmed, elated. Every emotion and every moment is an opportunity for a freak out.

Or, to focus on the focus.

Here are three ways to work with what ya got:

Breathe

-

Breathe -

1) Breathe.
Take three slow deep breaths in and out.

Breathing becomes even more useful when you practice diaphragmatic breathing. Learn how to do it in 60 seconds here.

On your third breath or after you’re done intentionally breathing ask yourself:

“What is most important to me in this moment? What am I meant to do right now?”

Give yourself a minute to thoughtfully answer that question.

(I recommend closing the eyes during the exercise as long as you’re not driving or operating heavy machinery).

Talk

-

Talk -

2) Talk.
Express yourself without judgement.

Say out loud to yourself or someone you trust:

• what you are feeling,

• what you would like to be feeling, and

• how you can feel it right here and now.

Without judgement, welcome in reactions from yourself or the person you shared this moment with.

Move

-

Move -

3) Move.
Take a walk, do push-ups, stretch.

Anything repetitive for 3-5 minutes will get you closer to homeostasis.

Reaching homeostasis helps you slow down…from your heart rate to your racing thoughts.

Once you’ve slowed down, you can be better in touch with your body and get out of your head.

Now ask yourself gently, “what’s next?”

Or think back to effective centering techniques that have worked for you in the past or have been modeled to you by someone you trust or admire.

The key to dialing it in is actually not doing any one focusing exercise perfectly, it’s being mindful of the signals your body or mind are giving you that you may need to dial it in. Mindfulness, really.

KNOW AND GO!

Did you find this helpful?
Here at Hey Coach Dave, our main objective is to provide you with valuable tips and perspectives that can help you overcome challenges, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life. We truly hope that the information you found in this blog post was helpful and insightful.
If you haven't already, we highly recommend subscribing to the Hey Coach Dave newsletter. By doing so, you'll receive even more helpful tips and perspectives directly in your inbox. Our newsletter covers a wide range of topics, including personal development, leadership, productivity, health, and much more. It's a great way to stay motivated, inspired, and informed on the latest strategies for success.
Furthermore, if you know someone who could benefit from the message we shared today, we encourage you to share the blog or newsletter link with them. By spreading the word, you'll be helping others access valuable resources that can support their personal growth journey.
Thank you for being a part of our Hey Coach Dave community. We appreciate your support, and we're here to assist you on your path to a happier and more successful life.

How I Experience Doubt

I’d love to say that I notice doubt like a clear voice in my head that I instantly mute like a boss. And the truth is, nah dog, I ain’t a boss on this. 

My experience is that doubt simmers, sweeps in, sweeps out, flirts with your mojo - straight up tries to steal yo’ girl - and then pesters you like a screen door flapping in the wind. 

Doubt, in my experience, is ugly, stupid, scared, small, persistent, and demoralizing. And all of that consumes me until I become those things too. 

Doubt doesn’t swallow me up so much as cloak itself over me like an invisible blanket. Funny, it makes me think I am, and then act like I am, invisible myself. 

I am a founder, former CEO, sales leader, team leader, spouse, parent (dogs), sibling, child, mentor. I function in the real world. I am a white collar professional. I uphold my responsibilities. People have expectations of me, and I have expectations of myself. I pay bills. I offer counsel to others. And in all of these ways, I am not unlike you. 

You do not see my doubt, but like neglect, doubt is not about what I do, it’s about what I don’t do. Is it the same for you?

Does doubt slow you down? Does it make you small? Does it make you shy away? Does doubt make you rationalize “no” when you would ordinarily say “yes”? It does for me. 

How do I get over doubt? 

What I am about to say doesn’t happen in 10 minutes or an hour or even a day or two. Sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, or even months. 

I don’t really “get over” doubt. I understand it, and I accept it. 

It sounds like a ton of questions, a pursuit of proof, and then tiny little actions that give me proof in real-time, that I’ll be okay once I start.

Over the course however long it takes, usually relative to the anticipation of the outcome for which I doubt myself, here’s what it can sound like to do that:

“Why am I spiraling?

Why am I stuck?

Why am I miserable?

Well Dave, what are your behaviors right now?

Ah, X, Y, and Z…my tell-tale signs of doubt.

What do you doubt about yourself?

What do you doubt about your environment?

What do you doubt about the outcome(s) you’re uncertain about?

Cool, buddy. Take a beat.

Listen.

Listen.

Ahh…you’re scared. Scared of X.

Scared you can’t handle X.

Scared that X will result in Y, and you’re unsure you can handle Y.

Let’s go look for proof you can.

Take stock.

Validate, internally.

Go get some validation, externally.

If you don’t get any, validate internally again.

Proof.

Make a plan with tiny little action items.

So small you can’t not do them.

Now do them.

Now you’ve started.

Proof.

You’re going to be fine.

Keep going.

Proof.

You got this.”

I experience doubt as an inescapable part of life. Not because I am weak or defeatist but because I’m ambitious and human. As can be the case for anyone ambitious, my stakes get higher; my arena gets larger; my spotlight burns hotter and so my doubt travels with me. 

So I listen for when it’s taking up the space and dictating my behavior. And then I accept that it is a part of life, always has been and always will be. It is both a signal that I am expanding and a chokepoint I will need to navigate. Listen, and accept. Then work.

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Was this helpful to you? If so, it’s likely helpful for someone else. I would be grateful if you would consider passing this along to your network and signing up for my newsletter for more posts like this one. 

Are you stuck, lost, or angry?

Are you doubtful and unsure how to move forward?

Click here to find some time to connect with me.

Alone Not Lonely: My Method for Reframing The Meaning of Being Alone

We were in our new house for about six months when my dad touched the knob of the door from our family room to the garage for the last time. He had a few belongings under his arms and he said goodbye to me, age six, my sister, age eight, and my mom. In an instant I was lost. The only way I can explain it is that I was swimming in a thick soup of loneliness, confused and worried about what would happen next. My sister went to her room, and my mom went to hers. I wondered what they were doing in their rooms and whether I existed.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on loneliness. How does loneliness arises in me; how, despite not wanting to experience it, I can fuel it; how I can manage it; and why I’m capable of feeling lonely in the first place. I am sure a lot of it goes back to moments in childhood like when my dad left, and I’ve handled lots of that in therapy - highly recommend doing this by the way.

As I’ll explain below, I’ve chosen to not ask why these days, so much as “what now?” Because the data tells me that, regardless of the reason, as an American adult man, I’m not alone in feeling lonely. According to the Survey Center on American Life, only 27% of American men have six or more friends. That’s wild - nearly one out of every four guys is only friends with six or less guys? That’s not wild, actually, that sucks!

But here’s what I’m driving at - my journey with loneliness has not been about adding more friends; it’s been about reframing the meaning of being alone so that I can thrive alone. Specifically, when I am alone from 7:45am to 6:30pm every day as a solopreneur, building a coaching practice by myself in my home. I’m married and have an energetic attention-hungry Border Terrier. So it’s not like I’m alone all the time. It’s just those work hours when I can fall into doubting myself, my plans, and my vision because I don’t have that familiar feeling of other people to bounce off of.

I was put in daycare when I was nine months old. Eventually I was in schools, at summer camp, on sports teams, contending with roommates, collaborating on business teams, participating in men’s groups, volunteering, organizing music and entertainment projects, and fumbling my way through romantic relationships. Those are just the nine inter-relational settings I can think of off the top of my head let alone many others, I am sure, in which I found an escape from loneliness. 

To put it simply: I grossly underestimated the impact alone time would have on me, despite working “alone” while leading a team remotely during the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, I’ve been engaging with teams, friends, enemies, and everyone in between ever since I was a baby. 

If you’ve noticed discontent in recent months and aren’t quite sure whether it’s loneliness, or why you’re feeling it, I’ve outlined a few tips just for you, because they work for me.

Ask Why Later

Despite all my many interactions I can still be lonely. Why does loneliness get invited into my heart or mind, like a stranger snuck into my home? 

As I often tell clients, we will have a lifetime to dissect the why’s of our past. And even when we get a clear answer, it might not be all that satisfying or useful. What I’m most interested in discovering with my clients is how to close the gap between today and an ideal future state. The gap I personally needed to close with loneliness was re-setting my mindset when I’m alone.

Alone does not equal lonely

To everyone out there that knows that being alone does not equal being lonely, congrats! To the rest of us who still need to reframe cognitively, and re-design behaviorally, in order to manage loneliness, it’s good to see you. I got your back.

I teach a self-management process that in its simplest form is a cycle of Reflection, Decision, and Action, practiced at high frequency and in all aspects of life. This cycle creates confidence and momentum for more change on your terms, regardless of the many external factors that constantly inundate our lives.

Here’s how I’m using self-management to embrace being alone:

1. Notice: I have a very clear set of behaviors and narratives when I’m lonely. It doesn’t matter what they are for me; it matters that you begin to notice what they are for you. Once I was able to notice the specific behaviors and interpretations of a scenario and myself were directly and only associated with loneliness I was able to use them to my advantage.

2. Reflect: I will admit that I give the loneliness narratives space to breathe. I allow myself to feel fully lonely for a moment. It’s almost like the more I can feel it, the more I can point to it. It’s like I’m calling it out from hiding, and it can’t control me. With loneliness out in the open, I can observe it and decide what to do with it.

3. Decide: being a husband, a solopreneur, and a coach who helps others overcome obstacles, I am not a huge fan of flailing around helplessly in unproductive emotions once I know they’re dominating my space. So, my decision invariably is to swiftly disassociate from the loneliness once I’ve given it a fair amount of time to be noticed.

4. Act: Disassociating from loneliness in a practical sense means that I tell myself, “being alone does not obligate you to feel lonely.” I say that a few times and logic generally kicks in. But often times I have to occupy my mind with something declarative and positive. So I have recently started writing down desirable states of mind that can be evoked by being alone, and it looks like this: 

1. I am alone and at peace

2. I am alone and content

3. I am alone and creative

4. I am alone and artistic

5. I am alone and building

6. I am alone and growing

Google or ask ChatGPT to pull up information on “Coping with Loneliness” and your results will be lists of things to do. I think that’s reasonable, to some degree, and lots of people including myself do need to be doing something in order to overcome something. I get that. 

But I also want to encourage you to consider that there is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, there’s nothing to do, and that you are enough to be in a room alone with you. 

I have to remind myself of this fact five days a week. I’m a very forgetful person, so if I can do it, so can you. 

BONUS: Cold Showers

Cold water exposure is being covered a lot these days. I’m proud to say that I was experimenting with the positive effects of cold showers back in 2015. At least in this one practice, I was ahead of the curve!

As of December 2022, I’ve returned to using cold showers, sometimes twice a day. They force me to: 

1. Control my breathe

2. Decide on my mindset

3. Endure discomfort

4. Slow down when my instinct is to speed up

5. Test my mental toughness on a daily basis

While I’m in a cold shower my mind can use it as a metaphor for something else I’m worried about wont end, such as loneliness. And when I’m out of the shower and feeling discomfort, such as loneliness, I remind myself I can endure it, just like the cold shower. This reminder triggers other positive self-talk, such as: 

1. This is temporary

2. You are capable

3. There is something to be gained

4. You’ve done this before and you can do it again

My daily ritual and the positive reframing and positive self-talk that it evokes has been hugely beneficial to me. I highly recommend experimenting with a couple weeks of cold showers. Your default mental settings, and your grit, might surprise you. 

Conclusion

I have spent years bopping around inside of and between groups and have felt lonely. And more recently I’ve spent seven months being alone, and have felt lonely. At this point, the common denomenator is me, and that’s a good thing. There’s a whole lot I don’t control but I do control me. Specifically, my mindset and my relationship with alone-ness. Maybe that’s what I’ve been searching for this whole time - to replace loneliness with the very fact-based, dispassionate reality of alone-ness, and how wildly different that is than loneliness. I’m becoming pretty cool with alone-ness and I hope you can be too. If you need help, let’s talk.

Tips for Those That Survive a Layoff

Layoff survivors: this one’s for you.

As a former (recovering) national sales account executive in an HR SaaS company myself, I know the feeling of uncertainty that sales, marketing, talent acquisition, and product middle managers experience when a layoff is looming or executed. You hope that since you’re adding revenue and clients to the business, you're safe, but you never know. 

The experience of a layoff, or reduction in force (RIF), can be incredibly difficult, not just for those who lost their jobs. Since so much has been written by and for laid-off professionals, I wanted to offer a helping hand to anyone still at a company that has undergone layoffs. Here are a few tips that I hope will help you get back on your feet after the gut punch that is a RIF.

Real Quick…

My own experience

I have witnessed three rounds of layoffs at one company and a modest RIF at another. It’s painful to see your friends go, and it’s rather unsettling to know you’re hanging around. I personally experienced bouts of survivor’s guilt and brain fog. For weeks that led to months, I was unsure of the “right” next step for my career, let alone how best to support my current and former colleagues. I was not alone.

Model behavior
A close friend of mine is the head of a large sales team at a 2,000+ employee global SaaS company that RIF’ed several hundred employees at the end of Q4 2022. I consider him a model for being a great colleague after a layoff.

Here’s what he did that I’d recommend you try as well:  

He Took Care of Himself

Think of this as the moment every flight attendant instructs you to do before take-off: put on your own mask before assisting others. In other words, you can not sustainably serve those around you if you are not safe and secure. Here’s how to do it after a layoff:

• Use your people: professionals (therapists, coaches, counselors, internal company support), friends, and family are at your disposal for external processing (AKA talking) about what is stirring in you. 

• Use your body: exercise, take walks, and switch up environments to activate your brain productively and give yourself a sense of control. Listen to your body through mindful breathing and meditation. The mind-body connection is real, and it is one of our greatest resources. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has written extensively about this in “The Body Keeps The Score.” While remaining at a company might feel like a blessing, it might also trigger a sense of trauma or even traumatic memories. Take it one day at a time, and let your body guide you to what you need. 

• Use your mind: journal, read, document, reflect, and strategize. You may feel compelled to freeze or take flight as the dust settles from the layoff. Check-in with yourself through independent reflection and planning to use discernment before making big decisions, especially if you are feeling reactionary. 

And Then He Mobilized to Take Care of Others

I’m impressed with how much my friend communicated with his team members. From what I heard, he was a port in the storm for some and a catalyst for change for others. That goes for the employees who remained at the company and those who were let go. He even managed to loop one terminated employee into a surprise opening on his team. Here are a few takeaways from my friend’s success that you can put to use, even (or perhaps especially) if they push you outside of your comfort zone: 

• Be a leader in vulnerability: You may be part of a workplace culture or a one-on-one relationship with certain colleagues that requires you to take the first step in opening up. Being vulnerable is a rare and powerful form of leadership. Notice if you need to lead in starting the dialogue and harness your courage to do it.

• Honor the truth: avoid gossip, speculation, drama, and fiction. Acknowledge what you know to be true about your experience, emotions, and hopes for yourself and your team members. 

• Be available: proactively welcome colleagues to schedule time on your calendar for coffee or Zoom calls specifically to process their experience with the layoff rather than to discuss work projects. In the coaching community, this is known as “holding the client’s agenda.” In the world of your colleagues, it’s much the same - invite your team members to tell you what they need to talk about, and then let them talk about it. It’s truly that simple. 

• Be present: Communication is as much about receiving information as it is presenting. Body language is critical to others’ safety, so when receiving their concerns, put your phone and other distractions aside and make eye contact. It’s pretty straightforward stuff: give your colleague your undivided attention. This is non-verbal communication at a critical moment, and it may prove to be more powerful than any words you share. 

I Recommend: Take Care of Your Career, Too

This one is a bonus section for taking care of yourself.  

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs dictates that in the process of self-actualization (which I am a bit obsessed with, even in scary moments like layoffs or the COVID-19 pandemic), we need to address our survival needs before we can step into higher-level achievements. In a newer model for self-actualization by Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, Love and Purpose are at the peak of self-actualization. 

Source: “Transcend” by Scott Barry Kaufman / Sailboat illustration by Andy Ogden

Buy “Transcend”: https://scottbarrykaufman.com/books/transcend/

I want to challenge you to consider how Love and Purpose can be integrated into your career in this here-and-now moment post-layoff, as well as across the open sea of a career you will look back on years from now.

A challenge

While the thoughts, assumptions, and emotions might still be running high for you:

write down or find someone to talk to about what you’re noticing about your life, as it is affected by a job impacted by layoffs, and vice versa: how does your life, or a vision of an ideal life, affect the career you want to shape over time?

Moments of uncertainty need to be met with the urgency of keeping oneself safe and secure. And they offer us extremely narrow, high-intensity windows into adversity we will return to again one day. The opportunity you have right now is to consider what you love and are purpose-driven to do so much so that being knocked off your horse, or watching others get knocked off of theirs, will not completely derail you from, as I like to say, “moving the plot forward.”

Conclusion

I do hope the examples I offered from the experiences my friend, and I went through help you navigate what’s happening now and next. You are well-equipped to care for yourself, your colleagues, and your career. You’ve got this! If I can serve you, please don’t hesitate to let me know.

Anxious? Here’s One Signal and Six Tips To Reclaim Your Attention

Does a certain type of infuriating friction arise when you become anxious? For example, do you get clumsy? Does time stop moving at its normal speed? When you’re under pressure, do your sentences become incomplete or incoherent? When you lose your sense of control, or when perfection kicks into overdrive, do you become forgetful and terse with coworkers or family members? If any of these experiences are true for you, you’re not alone. 

The good news: it’s happening because you envision more for yourself or those around you and you’re driving towards it, often as a high-achiever and a leader. The even better news is that you can leverage this friction as a signal to slow down, and use behavioral skills that shift your attention from imminent threat to calmly thriving. 

The Leader’s Instinct

If you’re a C-suite executive, a solopreneur, entrepreneur, do-er, creator, manager, or a problem solver you’ve likely experienced a similar compulsion as me. When a situation feels unsettled you work tirelessly to resolve it. In a business setting, you rush to feverishly gather resources, and mobilize colleagues and vendors to get to the bottom of your dilemma.

If this is your instinct at work, then it is likely the instinct you rely on at home, and even for your own body. You might work out more, feverishly write notes, chase leads (sales, information, or otherwise), burn the midnight oil, change diet, buy products online. Anything to attack the problem full force. Since you are a leader, you know instinctively that with enough effort, you can solve any problem. 

The Leader’s Choice

I have been wrong about throwing the kitchen sink at my discomfort more times than I can count. So I say the following to you with total humility: if you’re doing the same, you’re doing it wrong. Speeding up is not the antidote to screwing up, in fact the opposite is more often the case. See the graph below, for reference. 

When we are anxious, our fight or flight response kicks in. Special Forces Operators and First Responders receive exhaustive training to manage this instinct under pressure. However for most of us, when discomfort increases, time feels longer. When certainty shifts to the unknown, our resources feel more constrained. We want to act fast to take care of ourselves, or we freeze. 

There is another way.

Six Behavior Techniques for Slowing Down and Reclaiming Your Attention

When we slow down, we begin to notice reality with greater objectivity. We begin to notice that we are not operating in extreme scarcity, rather in a balance of scarcity and abundance, pros and cons, helpful and unhelpful. This attention to balance that results from slowing down helps us make decisions and behave in ways that are healthier and kinder to ourselves and those around us. 

Here are six behavioral techniques for slowing down and reclaiming your attention: 

1) Acceptance

Accept that things - as absolutely terrible or wonderful as they may be - are exactly the way they are. Accept the possibility that you have no or little control over the situation you so desperately want to change. Accept that your body is reacting to an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation. Accept that your body may be associating a past experience with a present one, regardless of the fact that they are different.

2) Breathing Techniques

You can find breathing techniques via Google, Spotify, Calm App, Insight Timer App, and books related to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, PTSD, Anxiety and Panic Disorder, and Mindfulness Meditation. You can also do these simple steps in cycles of 5: 

• Place hand on belly and breath in through nose with a focus on expanding your belly (diaphragmatic breathing); you will feel your belly expand under your hand

• When full of breath in belly, hold for a count of four

• Exhale through a small space in your lips

3) Body scan

Body scanning is a mindfulness practice that brings your attention into your body. Because attention is finite, centering yours on your body helps to declutter the mind of external worries. At the risk of sounding cliche, worries are thoughts about something not yet in your control. Therefore, they do not serve you, especially in turbulent times. Having a mindful, active awareness of your body on the other hand, serves you immensely. 

To self-administer a body scan you can follow the script below taking between 5-7 minutes for the full body scan. The body scan creates an opportunity for you to come out of your mind and into your body; and for many people it helps us move from worried fiction to present moment truth - facts about what we actually feel here and now in our body. 

Body Scan Script 

• Find a comfortable seated position

• Close or open eyes, whichever is more comfortable

• Breath calmly, ideally from diaphragm

• Begin noticing bodily sensations by intentionally starting at the top of your head

• Move through your forehead, temples, eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, mouth and jaw

• Move through the front of your neck, the back of your neck, then move to your shoulder blades

• Move your awareness now down your inner arm, outer arm, over your elbows, and over your forearms, to your wrists, palms and finally fingers

• Now bring your awareness to your chest, sternum, ribs, torso, gut, lower back, pelvis and hips - notice feelings inside your body as well as on the surface of your skin

• Shift your awareness slightly now to your lower body, beginning with your buttox and groin, inner thighs, top of your thighs and lower thighs

• Move down your thighs to you knees, and now underneath your knees

• Roll down your knees to your shins, moving down your calves now and to your lower calves, outer ankle and inner ankles.

• Now roll down under your heels, to the top of your feet, the bridge of your feet, and finally through to your toes.

You can also reference the sources listed in the Breathing Techniques above for body scan recommendations. 

4) Mantra

Mantra, originated in Buddhism and Hinduism, is a word or sound used repeatedly to aid concentration in meditation. In business and team sports, mantras are often used to focus energy and attention around a shared principle. Think of the Notre Dame Football team’s “Play Like a Champion Today” plaque, courtesy of “Rudy.”

A mantra costs no money, it’s entirely your own, and simple. For these reasons and more you can consider a mantra like a trusted friend, always there to help pull you through a difficult moment. The practice of repeating your mantra will help you dial into the present moment, uncluttered with worry, and boosted with a greater sense of control.

To use a mantra, quite literally repeat the word, phrase, or sound that suits you best over and over again. It’s that simple. You can combine mantra repetition with breathing techniques, or rubbing a token (for example a string of beads, a keychain, a pebble, or an object on your desk). Here’s the key: do this mindfully. What does that mean? Countless books have been written on the topic of mindfulness, but to keep it simple for you here, it means to repeat your mantra with your attention fully focused on the words, sounds, intentions, and/or bodily sensations associated with your mantra. Much like doing a body scan or a breathing exercise, this turns your attention to the one absolute fact you know to be true: you are alive, present, and caring for yourself in this moment. 

5 tips to find a Mantra

1. Use a motivational quote that genuinely inspires or calms you

2. Make up a silly, focusing, or playful sound that pulls you into the moment

3. Ask a friend or family member for three adjectives that describe your best qualities

4. Reference song lyrics, poems, or movie quotes that center you

5. Be still, listen to yourself, write down a simple statement you can experiment with.

To encourage you to think personally and creatively about your mantra, I’ll share mine. During times of overwhelming stress, I turn to “Just ‘cause you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there,” which I stole from the Radiohead’s, “There There.” This mantra reminds me that while I may be feeling or assuming something to be true, it may or may not be so. By reminding myself of this fact, I am able to check-in on other facts, and get objective about a bigger picture issue. Once I get objective, I can begin to plan, make decisions and take action. 

Please: If you don’t have one already, find a mantra, try it out, and share what you notice!

5) Positive Self-talk

A mantra will ground you. Positive self-talk will propel you. Yet, positive self-talk is one of those behaviors we tend to think of as rather cringe. If you do not practice positive self-talk on a regular basis because you’re embarrassed or unfamiliar it’s time to start. Here’s the thing I embraced in my late twenties that I’m going to directly challenge you on: you need to rely on yourself, full stop. 

Examples of positive self-talk statements

“I have done this before.”

“I am limitless potential.”

“I am loved, respected, and admired.” 

“I am capable of surprising myself.” 

“Five ways my friends describe my best qualities are …”

“You got this, [your name], here’s why …”

There comes a time when we all have to move out of our comfort zone with self-management. That’s not work talk, by the way. That’s life, in general. We have to self-manage because as adults most of our peers are busy with their own lives. They don’t have time to bail us out of every anxious, or worrisome moment. And as I’m sure you know, there are a lot more anxious moments in adulthood than easy ones. Next time you’re in a pinch, don’t be bashful about learning and doing positive self-talk on a daily basis. 

6) Fact-check

Finally, bolster your positive self-talk with indisputable evidence. Recall the real results you’ve created for yourself in similar situations. Are you facing a specific situation for the very first time? Great. Consider the qualities of your character that are transferable and find the proof that you can tap into those qualities again by reflecting on your actions and outcomes. Here’s what it sounds like to pair positive self-talk with fact-checking: 

“I may not have had this exact experience before, but I can rely on these three traits to get me through it…I know I possess these traits because I saw them in action when I handled [your real-life example(s)].”

Conclusion

My father often reminded me that I need to be more prepared for boredom and stress than for fun. As high-achievers, leaders, spouses, or parents, we all need to and can relatively easily adopt behavioral skills that help us through anxiety, lack of control, and change. I’ve provided just six coping and self-management skills, among hundreds of others at your disposal. If you would be so kind as to share your own tips for in-the-moment stress management, my readers and I would be grateful to hear from you.

If you would like to explore an ongoing coaching relationship to shift your energy from overwhelm to purposeful action, please contact me.

The Power of Objectivity, Optimism, and Open-Mindedness: How These Qualities Can Transform Your Life

Objectivity, optimism, and open-mindedness are three powerful qualities that can help individuals achieve their goals and improve their lives. These qualities are often intertwined and can work together to create a positive and effective mindset to transcend limiting beliefs.

The combination of objectivity, optimism, and open-mindedness allow individuals to approach problems and challenges with a clear and open mind, and to see opportunities where others might see only obstacles. For example, an individual who is objective in their thinking will be able to consider all sides of an issue and make a decision based on the available evidence, rather than being swayed by personal biases or emotions. This can be particularly important in the workplace, where the ability to make sound decisions is often critical to success.

Optimism, on the other hand, can be especially valuable in helping individuals persevere through difficult times and to stay motivated in the face of setbacks. When faced with a challenge, optimists are more likely to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than a threat to their well-being. This can help them to stay focused and motivated, even when things are not going as planned.

Open-mindedness, meanwhile, can help individuals to learn and grow by exposing them to new ideas and perspectives. By being open to new information, individuals can learn from others and expand their knowledge and understanding of the world around them. This can be especially valuable in fields where new ideas and technologies are constantly emerging, as open-minded individuals are more likely to be receptive to these changes and to adapt to them more easily.

Keep reading for more detail about the power of objectivity, optimism, and open-mindedness and how you can embrace these qualities yourself.  

Objectivity

Objectivity refers to the ability to look at situations, people, and events objectively, without letting personal biases or emotions cloud one's judgment. It allows an individual to see things as they are, rather than how they wish them to be. This can be particularly useful in decision-making, as it allows an individual to weigh the pros and cons of different options and choose the one that is most likely to lead to the desired outcome.

Five ways to become more objective

1. Practice self-awareness: One of the key ways to become more objective is to cultivate self-awareness. This means paying attention to your own thoughts, feelings, and biases and being aware of how they might influence your perceptions and decisions. By becoming more aware of your own subjective experiences, you can start to identify areas where you might be letting your personal biases cloud your judgment.

2. Seek out diverse perspectives: Another way to become more objective is to expose yourself to a variety of perspectives, especially those that differ from your own. By listening to others and considering their viewpoints, you can gain a more balanced and nuanced understanding of a situation or issue. This can help you to see things more objectively and to make more informed decisions.

3. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness involves being present in the moment and focusing on your thoughts and experiences without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, you can become more aware of your own subjective experiences and learn to separate them from objective reality. This can help you to see things more objectively and to make decisions based on the facts rather than your emotions

4. Use logic and evidence: Another way to become more objective is to rely on logic and evidence when making decisions. This means gathering all the relevant information, considering different options, and weighing the pros and cons before making a decision. By using a logical, evidence-based approach, you can make more objective decisions that are less influenced by personal biases or emotions.

5. Seek feedback from others: Finally, seeking feedback from others can be a helpful way to become more objective. By asking for the perspectives of others, you can get a more balanced view of a situation and identify any biases or blind spots that you might have. This can help you to see things more objectively and to make better decisions.

Optimism

Optimism refers to the tendency to look on the bright side of things and to believe that things will turn out well. Optimists tend to be more hopeful and resilient, and are less likely to be discouraged by setbacks or failures. They are also more likely to take action and to persevere in the face of challenges, as they believe that things will ultimately work out for the best.

Undeniable Optimists

Muhammad Ali

He once said, "I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was."

Babe Ruth

Babe Ruth, the legendary baseball player for the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees was known for his optimistic attitude and his ability to hit home runs. He once said, "I can't wait for the next game to come around. I love the feeling of being up there, knowing that I'm the guy who can do it."

Admiral William H. McRaven

Admiral McRaven is a retired United States Navy SEAL and the chancellor of The University of Texas System. In his book "Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life...And Maybe the World," he encourages readers to start each day with a small task, such as making their bed, in order to build momentum and achieve bigger goals.

Open-mindedness

Open-mindedness is the willingness to consider new ideas and perspectives, even if they differ from one's own. It involves a willingness to listen to others and to learn from them, rather than assuming that one's own beliefs and opinions are always correct. Open-minded individuals are more likely to be receptive to new information and to be willing to change their views when they are presented with compelling evidence.

Life-altering Open-mindedness

The scientific revolution

The scientific revolution was a period of time in the 16th and 17th centuries when scientists began to challenge traditional ways of thinking and make discoveries that changed the world. Many of these scientists were open-minded and willing to consider new ideas and theories, which helped to drive the rapid progress that was made during this time.

The civil rights movement

The civil rights movement was a grassroots movement that sought to end racial segregation and discrimination in the United States. Many of the leaders of the movement, including Martin Luther King Jr., were open-minded and willing to listen to the perspectives of others, which helped to build bridges and bring about meaningful change.

The fall of the Berlin Wall

The fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989 was a pivotal moment in history that marked the end of the Cold War and the collapse of communism in Eastern Europe. This event was made possible, in part, by the open-mindedness of political leaders who were willing to consider new ways of thinking and engage in dialogue with their opponents.

The development of the internet

The internet has revolutionized the way we communicate and access information, and it would not have been possible without the open-mindedness of the scientists and engineers who developed it. These individuals were willing to consider new ideas and push the boundaries of what was thought to be possible, which has had a profound impact on society.

Conclusion

In addition to helping individuals achieve their personal and professional goals, objectivity, optimism, and open-mindedness can also contribute to a more harmonious and positive social environment. When individuals are able to approach others with an open mind and a willingness to listen and learn, they are more likely to build strong and productive relationships. This can be especially important in situations where there are conflicting viewpoints or where there is a need to find common ground.

Overall, the power of objectivity, optimism, and open-mindedness lies in their ability to help individuals make better decisions, stay motivated and focused, and learn and grow. By cultivating these qualities, individuals can not only improve their own lives, but also make a positive impact on those around them.

Breaking Through: 5 Ways to Overcome Your Internal Barriers and Achieve More Right Now

Are you feeling stuck in your career, relationships, or personal life? Do you have a nagging feeling that you should be able to accomplish more, but somehow you can't seem to get out of your own way? You're not alone. I’ve been there myself, and so have millions of other well-intentioned high-achievers. Many high-achieving professionals struggle with self-doubt, perfectionism, and other internal barriers that hold them back from reaching their full potential.

The good news is that it's possible to break through these barriers and take control of your life. Below are some behavioral tips for getting out of your own way and achieving more. If you’re craving support for building any of these practices into your daily life, let’s talk!

5 Ways to Overcome Your Internal Barriers and Achieve More Right Now:

1. Identify your limiting beliefs. Our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us can have a huge impact on our behavior and outcomes. Take some time to reflect on the beliefs that might be holding you back. Are you telling yourself that you're not good enough, or that you don't have what it takes to succeed? These kinds of negative beliefs can be hard to shake, but it's important to recognize them and work on replacing them with more empowering beliefs.

2. Set clear goals. It's difficult to make progress if you don't know where you're going. Take the time to set clear, specific goals for yourself in different areas of your life. This will help you focus your efforts and give you a sense of direction.

3. Make a plan. Once you have your goals in place, it's time to make a plan for how you're going to achieve them. Break your goals down into smaller, more manageable tasks, and create a timeline for completing them. This will help you stay on track and make consistent progress.

4. Get accountability. It can be tough to stay motivated and on track when you're working on your own. Consider finding an accountability partner or joining a group of like-minded individuals who are working towards similar goals. Having someone to check in with and share your progress with can be a great source of motivation and support.

5. Practice self-compassion. It's natural to make mistakes and face setbacks as you work towards your goals. It's important to remember that it's okay to make mistakes and that you're only human. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that it's normal to have ups and downs. When you're feeling down, take a step back and try to reframe your thoughts in a more positive light.
   

Conclusion

By following these tips, you can start to get out of your own way and make real progress towards your goals. Remember to be patient with yourself and to celebrate your victories, no matter how small they may seem. With time and effort, you'll be able to overcome your internal barriers and achieve more than you ever thought possible. Give me a shout if you’re interested in coaching to adopt these behaviors and overcome your barriers for big change.

From Success to Significance: 5 Excuse-Free Ways to Find Your Purpose and Make a Difference

It can be unsettling to feel like you have achieved success but still lack a sense of purpose. However, it is actually quite common for people to feel this way, especially if they have been focused on external markers of success such as career advancement or accumulating wealth.

So how can you find purpose? A couple obvious but essential points to cover first: 

1. This won't be easy: I’m just going to let you know upfront that much like anything worth doing, finding your purpose is worth doing “right.” By right I do not mean in a single and specific, one-size-fits-all way. I mean the way that reveals itself to be right for you. Understanding the right way for you is going to take time. For most people, purpose is not revealed overnight. Purpose is found through internal and external exploration over time. It doesn’t have to take years, but I just want to be clear that it won’t happen overnight. 

2. Minimize your barriers to entry: Purpose is one of those aspects of life that despite its simplicity can swallow us up in money spent on books, travel, education, profit models and more. Please know that, with the exception of money spent on direct guidance and support, finding your purpose is a free and individual experience because it starts and ends with, and inside, of you. Don’t let cost, timing, or resources be barriers to your pursuit of your purpose. 

3. Write, write, and write some more: From the ancient Stoics to CEOs of Fortune 100 companies, great leaders and thinkers with a clear sense of purpose wrote their way into the history books. You can also think of writing as a way into your own soul. Even if you consider yourself to be a terrible writer - shoot, even if you are actually a terrible writer - writing as a private and introspective practice is invaluable to discovering purpose. Don’t be afraid to put pen to paper!

With those words of wisdom out of the way, here are five ways you can start finding your purpose today:

1. Reflect on your values and passions. What truly matters to you? What makes you feel most alive and fulfilled? What are peak moments in your life so far - who were you with, what were you doing, and how did you impact the world around you? These are clues to your purpose.

2. Consider your unique strengths and abilities. What are you naturally good at? Push yourself to make a list of 100 things you're great at! Don’t edit as you go, simply list your natural talents. If that’s making morning coffee, cool! If it’s helding world leaders plan for the future of their countries, awesome. There is no talent too small or large to exclude from your list, for now. Next, ask how can you use these strengths to make a positive impact on the world. 

3. Think about the problems or issues that you care about. Is there a cause that you feel passionately about? Do you notice a persistent problem in your life or that of others that seems ripe for a solution? Notice why you care about this issue. How can you use your skills and resources to make a difference in this area?

4. Seek guidance from others. Talk to friends, family, mentors, a coach (especially this one), or a therapist about your feelings of purposelessness. They may have insights or suggestions that can help you find your way.

5. Take small steps towards your purpose. Once you have even a slight sense of what your purpose might be, it can be helpful to start taking small steps towards it. This can help you build momentum and gain confidence in your direction. Embrace an Experimenter’s mindset here - your steps do not need to be perfect, nor do they need to produce perfect outcomes, or any outcomes at all. Small steps offer you a feedback loop. They are how you create the space to reflect, decide, act, and repeat that process over time to know yourself and your purpose better.

It is important to remember that finding purpose is a journey, and it may take time and exploration to discover what truly gives your life meaning. Be patient with yourself and trust that the answers will come in due time.

Once you have found your purpose, it is important to continue to pursue it with passion and dedication. This may involve setting goals and creating a plan to achieve them. It may also require taking risks and stepping out of your comfort zone. But the sense of fulfillment and meaning that comes from living in alignment with your purpose is well worth the effort.

Finally, don't forget to take care of yourself along the way. Purpose-driven living can be rewarding, but it can also be demanding. Make sure to prioritize self-care and balance in your life to ensure that you have the energy and well-being to sustain your journey towards purpose.

If you’re seeking support along your journey to discover purpose, let’s talk!

Maximizing Your Potential: How Cognitive Behavioral Skills Can Help Mid-Career American Professionals Excel in Their Careers

As a high-achiever, you’re no stranger to setting and working towards ambitious goals. You’ve likely found success in the past by putting in the hard work and determination needed to reach your objectives. But even the most motivated and hardworking individuals can struggle to overcome setbacks, limiting beliefs, negative self-talk, perfectionism, workaholism, and other challenges that can stand in the way of success. That’s where cognitive behavioral skills come in.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of talk therapy that focuses on the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It’s a highly effective treatment for a wide range of mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression, and addiction. 

I learned about cognitive therapy in a theoretical sense during college and then saw the practical power of CBT as a research assistant at the University of Vermont. Our team used fMRI imaging before and after an 11-week CBT group therapy program to measure demonstrable improvements in patients’ amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. Our patients ranged from American veterans, victims of abuse, and patients with multiple sclerosis and fibromyalgia. Their backgrounds varied widely, from unemployed twenty-somethings to successful retirees.. 

The skills developed through CBT can also be incredibly helpful for anyone looking to improve their mental well-being and achieve their goals, especially in high-stress environments. My wife and I are upwardly-mobile successful professionals in our thirties, and we both use CBT skills to manage stress and anxiety, including breathing and visualization techniques. 

One of the key principles of CBT is the idea that our thoughts play a major role in how we feel and behave. When we have negative or distorted thoughts, it can lead to negative emotions and unhealthy behaviors. By learning to recognize and challenge these thoughts, we can start to change the way we feel and behave, leading to positive changes in our lives.

Here are four ways that cognitive behavioral skills can be particularly helpful for high-achievers:

1. Overcoming setbacks and failures. One of the most challenging things about striving for success is dealing with setbacks and failures along the way. It’s easy to become discouraged when things don’t go according to plan, and to start doubting your ability to achieve your goals. Cognitive behavioral skills can help you cope with these challenges in a healthy way. By learning to recognize and challenge negative thought patterns, you can start to reframe your setbacks as opportunities for learning and growth, rather than as personal failures. This can help you stay motivated and focused on your goals, even when things don’t go as smoothly as you’d hoped.

2. Managing stress and anxiety. As a high-achiever, you’re likely used to juggling multiple responsibilities and working under a lot of pressure. While a certain amount of stress is normal and can even be beneficial for productivity, too much stress can be harmful to your mental and physical health. Cognitive behavioral skills can help you manage stress and anxiety in a healthy way. By learning to identify the thoughts and behaviors that contribute to your stress, you can start to develop healthier coping strategies. This might include techniques like deep breathing, exercise, or mindfulness meditation. By learning to manage your stress, you’ll be better able to focus on your goals and stay motivated.

3. Improving relationships and communication. Successful individuals often rely on strong relationships and effective communication skills to achieve their goals. But it’s not always easy to maintain healthy relationships, especially when you’re under a lot of pressure. Cognitive behavioral skills can help you communicate more effectively and build stronger, more positive relationships. By learning to recognize and challenge negative thought patterns that lead to unhealthy behaviors, you can start to communicate more assertively and openly. You’ll also be better able to manage conflicts and find mutually beneficial solutions to problems.

4. Enhancing self-esteem and confidence. Self-esteem and confidence are key to achieving success, but it’s not uncommon for high-achievers to struggle with self-doubt and negative self-perception. Cognitive behavioral skills can help you build a more positive self-image and increase your confidence in your abilities. By learning to recognize and challenge negative thought patterns that lead to low self-esteem, you can start to develop a more realistic and positive view of yourself. This might include recognizing and valuing your strengths and accomplishments, rather than focusing on your weaknesses. By building your self-esteem and confidence, you’ll be better able to set and pursue your goals with a sense of self-assurance and determination.

Conclusion

In conclusion, cognitive behavioral skills can be incredibly helpful for high-achievers looking to overcome setbacks, manage stress and anxiety, improve relationships and communication, and enhance self-esteem and confidence. These skills can help you stay focused and motivated on your goals, and give you the mental tools you need to overcome the challenges that come your way. If you’re interested in learning more about cognitive behavioral skills and how they can benefit you, consider working with a mental health professional trained in CBT. With a little effort and dedication, you can start using these skills to achieve even greater success in all areas of your life.

As a teacher and benefactor myself of cognitive behavioral skills I’m deeply passionate about the change they can help you achieve in your life. If this topic interests you, let’s talk!